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Blubbering Blatherings Other Idiots A waste of your time.. About this Idiot.. Delve into my past. Delve into my past.
Rants and Raves of a Lunatic..
..and other thoughtless bullshit.
I still exist. I exist somewhere in these parallels.

I reminisce, coming back here. My secret hole in which i hide. Others know about my other blog, but not many understand here. Where much of it witnessed transformation.

Hello, you.
An Ounce of Attention versus Desperation.
Has it really been that long? I cannot believe that the last time I posted was last October, but alas, it was.

Kyra, this one's for you. I know how you've missed my entries!

I have a son. A lot of you that know me know this already. We all learned from a previous post that I was pregnant, and that hubby and I were close to separating and so forth. However, the pregnancy completely changed me for the better. I don't mean that in some cliche fashion, but I mean that I believe my hormones finally shifted and put me on a more 'sane' track of mind, rather than the violent out-bursting self I was prior to pregnancy.

And after having the baby, I've still been pretty damn calm and collected. I'm rather impressed!



Now, about the baby. His name is River Omar`Lee, and I <3 him. He was 10lbs and 22.5 inches at birth. He's now 11.5 weeks old and 18lbs. He's my little chunker and I cannot imagine life without him. Just recently, on the baby forums to which I belong (and joined back last October), a woman posted about losing her child. She was from the January board. This baby died due to lack of good oxygen from napping with her daddy on the couch.
We co-sleep and bedshare with River. It makes us happy, it makes us feel comfortable. Ever since reading that (and I had Brandon read her account of the tale, too, which was terribly sad. RIP Eliza Rae), I have been insane.
I check River for breathing probably once every 10 - 25 minutes when I'm awake, and I'm super hyper-sensitive aware of him when we're sleeping together. We just recently put our bed with the crib for a sidecar crib idea, except his crib is at the head of the bed, but while Brandon is at work, I sleep with River alone in our queen size comfortably.
I'm petrified of losing my son. I've never understood fully the ferocious amount of love one can put on another in a short time together. Brandon and I have already discussed that if anything happened to River due to our negligence, chances are, we'd no longer be together. If River died, GOD FORBID, on my hand, I could no longer live with myself, and B feels the same about himself. We're not trying to jinx the situation here, not in the least bit, but it's healthy to talk about our fears.

Which is why I made this post.
I love having a child, but fuck, it's nerve wracking. I pray he grows into a fine, respectable young man that will be able to make his own choices, live his own life, and provide himself years of happiness on his own accord.

Meanwhile, on the home front...
Brandon and I have had sex twice in the past 6 months. Once a week before River was born (which was 03/31) and then once at like, 9 weeks. I stated earlier that River is pretty much 12 weeks old now.
While I'm not one to crave sex much anymore, I've been dying to get fucked. Yes, I said it. Fucked. It hurts, absolutely (cyst on right ovary, birth did not hurt the sexual process as I had a c-section), but I'm tired of giving blowjobs and tending to his dick when really, we could be tending to one another simultaneously. He doesn't go down on me (hasn't in over a year!) and I get absofuckinglutely no sexual gratification from him unless it's intercourse. Meanwhile, he'll have me suck cock often enough to where it's getting dull and I'm ready to GO FURTHER. YA DIG?! Sure, having a newborn is rough, and I can blame that up to a few weeks ago, but now I have no idea.

Blargh, whatever. I just hope we get back to normal soon.

Nursing school starts back up soon. I really have to get to the school to register, or else I'm pretty fucked. I should really do that this Monday.

I think I'll go watch more episodes of Dollhouse.

Enjoy.


Current Mood: blah blah

5 Ounces of Attention versus Desperation.
"Honey, they can comfort me all day long."

I love this time of year. Why? Aside from Samhain/Hallowe'en, everything revolves around pumpkins. Pumpkin spice coffee, pumpkin spice latte, pumkin spice coffee creamer, pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin seed and cranberry breads...everything PUMPKIN! Love it, love it, love it.

We just had toasted pumpkin muffins with organic sweet cream butter, and my god. <3

I heart teh pumpkin stuffs.

I don't ever want this time of year to end. Sadly, it does, and eventually they'll be promoting what? Fruitcake. Although! I'm an oddity. I like fruitcake.

I'm trying to find a place in the St. Louis area that sells potted evergreen trees, or miniature conifers, so we can decorate our Yule tree this year for Yule. I'm looking forward to it!

and, I suppose, to fruitcake. But there's still somewhere some good ol' fashioned pumpkin preserves.
An Ounce of Attention versus Desperation.
Twenty-six weeks, it says, since I've made my last entry.

Well, where to start.


My husband and I almost decided on divorce, but we've managed to work past that. Things got so much better once that 18 year old girl went away that he was fucking. Bitch was *Crazy* with a capital C. Wait, was? IS! Long story, I'm not mad at him. It was brought on by me, I suppose one could say, but I'd like to say it was the two of us that got it going. Neither of us were in the right, that's for sure. We're doing marriage counselling, and we're working to better our lives together. I love him tremendously. He would be at a loss if I left, and I would like to believe I would be also.

Hmm, what else?

I start nursing school soon. I'm quite excited. I have one semester left, and then January is the beginning. I cannot wait! *squeals and squirms abit*

At school I have a 3.62GPA at the moment, which, for me, is amazing. I belong to Phi Theta Kappa and Magna Cum Laude. MCL was my greatest accomplishment, since they pretty much really only accept people with a 3.8GPA. Proud moment, it was. -smiles-

Right now I am nursing a 2nd degree sunburn. Sigh. Last Saturday I went on my first float trip. It was a great time. I put on SPF 50, and viola, here is sit with oozing blisters on my back. It's rather uncomfortable. My face peeled, but it's still swollen around the eyes. My shoulders and my back have it the worst. Thankfully I'm a chubby girl who decided -not- to wear the bikini top like I -almost- did. Smart thinking on my part!

I've been really getting more into the bondage scene. I've made some amazing friends through a social networking site called fetlife. I'm finally meeting perverted people that are about on the same level as me here in St. Louis. I've gone to the movies more times in one month than I did in 5 years (I went twice. Saw Star Trek <3 and Terminator. Both fantastic).

I miss New Jersey and all of its inhabitants. My best friend Sarah there has left her boyfriend and is moving into an apartment with her son. I'm proud of her for making that step, as it's hard for her to do so. The house they were living in is bought and owned by them, with a mortgage of over $2k a month. At least she can afford the apartment. I love her and know she'll do very well. She's an amazing person and an excellent mother.

No children for me on this homefront. Not yet, at least. My clock is ticking though, I can feel it. I want one. Perhaps in two years, once I graduate or am about to graduate nursing school. I'm just so curious what a baby from the two of us would look like. Adorable, I'd say. Hopefully it would have his hair (not body hair, my husband is like a werewolf!), and not my thin ass poor excuse for hair.

I'm reading the Sookie Stackhouse novels. Love x's 3! I'm also a HUGE fan of True Blood. I still work at the hospital. They still don't know what's wrong with me physically, but I have a legit handicap parking sticker now! Rock Star parking, baby! We just know I have 3 - 4 autoimmune diseases. :D Right now: Unassigned connective tissue disease (leaning towards psoriatic arthritis and musculo-skeletal lupus), Hasimoto's Thyroiditis, Lupus Anticoagulant, and that's it so far.

I'll give another update soon! Well. Soon-*ish*.

Enjoy!

Current Location: Computer room.
Current Mood: drugged

4 Ounces of Attention versus Desperation.
Happy Holidays to those that celebrate. I don't, and today I got to work.

Update:

Husband and I are more on a polyamorous style of relationships.

I had surgery in November for a dermoid cyst. Good drugs, but never enough to take home with you.

I'm dropping down to part time at my job to help concentrate on my school studies and ease my ailments.

I have to chew baby aspirin for the rest of my life because my plasma lupus anticoagulant labtest came back positive, twice in a 3 month period.

I take a sulfa drug that causes me to look jaundice, it's amusing.

I have made 1 friend in St. Louis now.

Brandon has a job doing private security.

I start my nursing program in the fall, but until then, I have a GPA of 3.53 and makes all A's and B's.

We moved into another house back in August because my husband's grandmother is a lying douche. I prefer this house way better, however.

That about sums up everything for right now, I suppose.

See you in a few months!

Enjoy!

Current Location: computer room
Current Mood: bored bored
Current Groove: Seasick Steve - Cut My Wings

An Ounce of Attention versus Desperation.
Annnd! We have to move again.

We just moved into this house December 15th of last year, and out we go!

The woman paternally dubbed as my husband's grandmother decided to neglect the house payments, and has known full well that she planned to get rid of the house we are renting from her, and has put it into foreclosure.

I opened a letter of hers from her lawyer today (tsk, illegal) and it stated that the foreclosure will sell on August 29th.

She never gave us a date to be out, but sent the letter June 24th, and stated foreclosure would go through in July. Which technically means that she only gave us a weeks notice.

Hm, lies I smell.

Whatever, now we gotta search again.

Blech.

Current Mood: annoyed annoyed

Desperation.
Tipping the Velvet is my new found love, as I have watched the mini-series, and now must purchase the book to enjoy at it's entirety. The way it was meant to be enjoyed! (Beneath the sheets in a pair of panties, really. Ha!)

I've started up at roleplaying again. This time, we are doing a Steampunk theme. I am at total adoration for it.
3 Ounces of Attention versus Desperation.
Today is my 27th birthday. I've taken today until next Tuesday, when I return, off from work. I received a phone call today from a woman at work who is writing an article on me for my hospital's newsletter. Rather, the newsletter that is seen at about 6 other hospitals related to BJC HealthCare.

It's about compassion with patients, and how I helped a dying woman smile again.

I sounded so stupid, as it was done over the phone and I had no way to truly concentrate on the questions. I'm better face to face.

Anyway, I'm amazed.

I'll post it when it prints.


Enjoy.

Current Location: Computer Room
Current Mood: calm calm

Desperation.
My workplace was hosting a jewelry sale, and there was a man doing cleanings. I took my wedding ring to have it cleaned, and he was actually pleasantly surprised (as was I after I heard what he had to say!) to clean my ruby ring.
Apparently, all was correct when my husband bought the ring. He was told it was an antique ring, dating back to the 1800's. Partially it was true. The top half, as well as the gems, are "very, very, very, very, very old."

I asked, "How many verys was that?"

I told him the brief history of it, and he said, "I can very well believe it. And not everyone back then wore jewelry. It was rare for people to adorn themselves."

So yeah. Yay! Now I wish I knew who and how many people had these gems. I'd be so interested in the history.

Just a random update. Enjoy.

Current Location: Work. >_<

Desperation.
I'm overdue, don't you think?

To my dearest Kyra:

It has been a while since I've written to you, and you did say that you missed my posts on LJ - Life has taken it's reins and got a hold of me. It's been a constant volume of work and school, equally balanced but overly tiring. When I get home, I don't think of anything except what I'm doing the next day, and usually it's Rinse and Repeat.

This semester I'm taking Chemistry, Sociology, and Swimming. Gotta get those 2 credits in for PE.
Sociology is actually a lot of fun. It's a black emphasis class; the majority of my class is black women, and my teacher is a 6'4" 70-someodd black man. Instead of focusing really on what the white people did for sociology, I'm learning about the blacks, from all different standpoints.
Granted, we're learning of white's and their impact, as well. Like Jane Addams. I wonder why my teacher never mentioned she was a lesbian.

Chemistry is hilarious. It's 3 hours long, Tuesday and Thursday. My teacher is 73, and you can tell. He's adorable; the kind of man you want to fold into your pocket and take home with you. Ever had those types of teachers?

Swimming is swimming. Nothing new to me, as I was on the varsity swim team back in high school. It's just relearning everything. I chose swimming because it has less impact on my joints, so my body can tolerate it. It can get tiring, but I make do, and enjoy it.
Next semester (come Fall), I'll be taking Yoga, hopefully. It was filled the moment I got to it this year, but I plan on registering earlier than I did this semester.

I also take my Dosage and Calculations test, which applies me into Nursing. It'll be a year waiting list once I get into the program's list - although it all depends on if I pass.
The calculations are difficult, let me tell you.

Marriage is doing decently well. We moved into a house on December 15th. The only downside is that we told Brandon's mother, who was homeless and living out of a house that had no heat or electricity, was that she could stay with us. She has her room in the basement, but already she's driving me crazy.
She was told to pay $200 rent a month. A STEAL! But the problem is that her car broke down, she's using our new car, she can't find a steady full-time job and only works on the weekends. It doesn't bring in any money for her really. She's managed to make due on rent, but still.

On top of that, she has a voracious appetite. A few times we've had to mention something. She ate an entire container of ice cream in 3 days; I didn't get any of it and I was the one that bought it.
Every time it seems that I go for some bread, there's only one slice left. All sorts of things add up to my aggravation.

It's also a MAJOR damper on our sex life. Our walls are paper thin, and the bed and floor both creak, so we don't really get to enjoy ourselves. We're used to walking around naked, and now we have to wear pajamas.

I can't tell her to leave as she has no where to go. She has a dog that isn't trained, so he jumps all over people and bites because he wants to play. She has no car, nothing. I want her gone by the summer, but she can't save money. She spends it on the stupidest things! That and since she doesn't MAKE any money, how can she save?

So my life, it's stressful. Work is fine, no true complaints there.
I thrive on stress though. It's what makes me a silently bitter and cynical person. I do best under pressure.

I just want to turn parts of my life back to where they were. Like, go-to-your-own-apartment-to-live mother-in-law.

So there's my update, my darling Kyra.

You and Michael are well missed.

And hello to everyone else out there.

Enjoy.

Current Location: Work
Current Mood: dorky dorky

3 Ounces of Attention versus Desperation.